


Trapped in The Bunker

by urbanfervor



Category: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Genre: F/F, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 10:02:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6901429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urbanfervor/pseuds/urbanfervor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jacqueline Voorhees plans to destroy Deirdre Robespierre. Kimmy Schmidt and Jacqueline Vorheese' relationship weakens because of a disagreement. Kimmy Schmidt starts acting like a jealous boyfriend. A alternative version of events in Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 2 episode 7.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trapped in The Bunker

**Author's Note:**

> I've put quite a number of 30 Rock references, can you guys find them? I've originally planned on writing a two-chapter fic for this, with a smut, but let's see if I can stretch it out a little bit to 3 or 4 chapters. 
> 
> English isn't my native language so I would really appreciate it if you guys point out some grammatical mistakes. Enjoy.

“Jacqueline! Thank god you didn’t kill yourself, because I would have! And I know exactly how and when!” Deirdre Robespierre greeted a somewhat depressed looking Jacqueline who has just entered the prep for the Lupus Awareness’ Awareness gala. 

“Good news! I found out what went wrong. Your date and month (in the invitation letter) were flipped.” Deirdre continued with a smug in her face.

“Look, Deirdre, I’m broke. Just give me the space tonight! Every penny I have is tied into my First Americans for Turtle Island Gala! Help me out and I’ll do whatever you want. Please!” a hopeless Jacqueline replied, realizing that there’s in no way in hell she’ll be able convince all the guests to come to her party instead, given that her event fell on the exact same date and time as Deirdre’s. 

“I’ll gain 10 pounds and wear the same dress as you somewhere. I’ll claim my farts in yoga! I’ll claim all of them! I’ll get naked and I’ll shamelessly interpretative dance while I’ll sing DOOONNT CRRYY OUT LOUUUD in front of you and Abattoire! As if that dog isn’t traumatized enough!” Jacqueline started singing theatrically. 

“Oooh!” Deirdre moaned loudly as her excitement grew, simultaneously feeling hate and arousal flow through her veins as it was her first time hearing Jacqueline’s lovely singing voice. 

♬ “JUST KEEP IT INSIIIIIDE! LEARN HOW TO HIDE YOUR FEEEALINGSSSSS!” Jacqueline continued.

Deirdre joined Jacqueline in singing - ♫ “FLY HIGH AND PROUUUD! AND IF YOU SHOULD FALL, REMEMBER YOU ALMOST HAD IT ALLLLL…!” ♬

“Finally! Here is the Raphael to my MichaelAngelo, the Leibniz to my Newton, the Lululemon to my Fabletics by Kate Hudson! Don’t quit! How dull it is to pause, to make an end, to rust unburnish’d, not to shine in use! Unseat me as Alpha Mom, as I did Jenny Chamberlain at last year’s Christmas Ho-Ho-Hoedown!” Deirdre exclaimed as she moved closer and closer to Jacqueline until she stood with her hands on her hips.

“You’re insane.” Both women said in unison. 

A sudden light bulb moment for Jacqueline- “I have a secret weapon and I’m gonna get back at you no matter what it takes!” Jacqueline threatened her. 

“What secret weapon are you talking about all of a sudden! Do you have a plan?” Deirdre clapped her hands as she asked enthusiastically. 

“Using….” Jacqueline was about to say until…

“Using your sexuality?” Deirdre butted in and held Jacqueline’s shoulders. A pause found its way between them when she leaned in and tried to kiss her.

They breathed heavily for about 10 seconds, gazing into each other’s eyes, only for Deirdre to stop the near-kiss by chomping down in a bite. 

“Using the power vested in me by the redheaded goddess of love and compassion Aphrodite.” Jacqueline exclaimed and swung Deirdre’s arms then rushed out the door, the heels of her not-so-new Louboutins clacked against the hard wood floor. 

“Redheaded goddess of love and compassion Aphrodite?! WTF!” Deirdre fell on the floor laughing hysterically. There was definitely something prepossessing in Jacqueline’s appearance, demeanor and sexy voice that makes her heart flutter with rage or anger or arousal. “Sometimes, Jacqueline sings too beautifully.” 

Just the thought of a battle between the both of them, however it may be, loomed over her head and she couldn’t contain her excitement. 

 

_________________________________________

 

“Kimmy! We’re back in the game!” an adrenalized Jacqueline burst into her almost empty apartment. 

“Lets go Cougars!” Kimmy exclaimed as she held her fist high. 

“This is so exciting! I almost Puma pants! What’s your plan Jacqueline!” Mimi Kanassis butted in the convo. 

“It’s all thanks to you my little butch boy!” Jacqueline sweetly replied to Kimmy. 

“Wait? What are you thanking me for? I didn’t do anything to help you for this gala.” Kimmy answered.

“When I moved to New York I had almost nothing! I started from the bottom and did everything I could to get to where I am today, even if it means not being able to walk in the morning following the night Julian Vorheese got me sore….. from excessively tickling my feet… even if it means surrounding myself with rich and snobbish dirty old men I don’t really care about! And then I met you, the mole woman from the bunker, the only person who genuinely cares about me; the only person who does everything for me and spoons me at night. Well, you can be naïve at times, but I am just so lucky to have you. You absolutely helped me change my perspective in life. Thank you my redheaded friend from the bunker!” Jacqueline walked towards Kimmy and cupped her face, her right hand slowly brushed Kimmy’s hair.

“You’re welcome. But hmmm… Are you drunk?” Kimmy asked while she tried to get her nose closer to Jacqueline’s mouth, sniffing her breath to check if she’s intoxicated. 

“Was it cocaine! For me I spew all kinds of cheesy shit because of cocaine.” Mimi Kanassis shouted.

“You’re my inspiration. You planted the idea seed into my brain garden, Kimmy. If I can’t get to host the gala, neither can Deirdre. The Lupus Awareness’ Awareness will be canceled. I’m going to unseat her as the Alpha Bitch, and the only way to do that is by abducting her and locking her up in a bunker, just like you!”

Kimmy tossed her hands away from Jacqueline and got furious. “What the fudge! You can’t do that. You’re just as evil as the reverend!” 

“I almost knelt in front of Deirdre and asked for her to help me, but she didn’t budge. Deirdre doesn’t know who she’s dealing with! When you first met me, you probably thought I was mean, but in reality, I’m so much meaner than I look! But the thing is, my plan is not evil if it’s actually for a good cause! It’s only for a night. It’s not like I’m gonna lock her up to rot in the bunker for the rest of her life. If she doesn’t show up in the hall, the gala will be canceled and all those gross old dudes with waspy names will go to our party instead.” 

Jacqueline continued: “I’m gonna teach her a lesson, that’s it! Deirdre thinks that she is the epitome of perfection. I thought I was the most high maintenance mistress in New York until Deirdre showed up with her split ends-less, blonde and shiny hair, her toned abs and nice silicon c-cup breasts, her $100,000 as white as an ivory teeth veneers that gives her that radiant and amazing smile, and oooooohhh, i have this urge to inhale her minty breath and her sweet, summery perfume until I suffocate!”

“It’s actually pre-fall.” Kimmy said. 

“And did I mention her IQ is over 150! I purposely stalk and attend every party she’s in to lower the average IQ in the entire room.” Jacqueline set her hands on her hips, she’s seething.

“You’re just jealous of her.” Mimi butted in. 

“Do you know how many mirrors I’ve smashed thinking that that blonde woman was getting more attention than me! Ugh that’s not the point… What I’m really trying to say is that Deirdre’s just like the female version of the reverend- a narcissist with seductive charisma, and I’m gonna destroy her. Deirdre’s so enamored with her own perfection that her ego hardly fits in the room. That white bitch has never, evurrr failed in her entire life. Locking her up in a bunker while her gala go bust is my victory. If I could win once, the experience would humble her. I want her to feel immense pain- the anxiety and panic she’ll feel when she realizes that she’s trapped and she’s out of control for the first time. You lifestory has inspired me Kimmy- your unbridled optimism as a weapon for revenge!” Jacqueline started laughing frantically for about 75.56 seconds.

“In what way did I ever inspire you to do evil stuff? You’re making the situation even worse with your plan! When life beats you up, you can either curl up in a ball and die peacefully, or you can stand up against your enemies and say YOU CAN’T BREAK ME! But it is not a legitimate excuse for you to play it dirty. You’re in absolutely no position to inflict pain onto others.” Kimmy snapped and took a step forward, pointing her finger at Jacqueline.

“Don’t be so dramatic Kimmy, that’s my thing. The only task I’m gonna ask you to do is lure Deirdre into entering the bunker by dressing up as Janis Joplin’s earthbound ghost. Janis is Deirdre’s all time favorite artist. But you’ll have to get out of there before Mimi closes and locks the door.”

“I’ve defended you for almost everything for so long thinking that you are different and now you turn out to be just like everyone else, a basic bitch. That’s it Ms. White, I’m so done. I’m leaving you. We’re not friends anymore. You won’t see me unfollowing you on Instagram. But I’m gonna spam you with pics and let you see me happy with my new good friends and make you regret everything.” Kimmy said angrily. 

“You can have new friends but you gotta admit, you love me more.” Jacqueline said.

Kimmy held out her palm to Jacqueline. “I’m out of this. I’m calling it quits.” 

“Don’t do this to me Kimmy. Please. If you say NO I will drown myself!” 

“Goodbye Jacqueline White! I hope you drown in your own salty tears!” Kimmy waved her hands goodbye. 

“KIMMY COUGAR SCHMIDT COME BAAAACK HEREEEE!” Jacqueline screamed so loudly it can almost break a glass. 

“Jacqueline oh my god why is your nose bleeding!” Mimi Kanassis’ jaw dropped at the sight of blood coming out of Jacqueline’s nose. 

“It’s definitely not a rage stroke.”

 

To be continued....


End file.
